What can I say.
I once said the darkness drifts in much less now and that much is true and pleases me much, but I was not expecting Christmas to hit with such impact. It was by far the toughest Christmas of the three we have spent alone and I’m not certain why.
My goal this holiday season was to stay present. Not just from the world of social media and electronics but from the absent-ness that sometimes sweeps me away. That place I get sucked away to, where I hear and see what is going on but at the same time miss it all.
And then one day, that heavy weight that just sits on my shoulder lifts and I’m free again and can see the bright future ahead of me.
It is exciting to know there is light in the future. That there is purpose for your life. And as I sift through the times that I cannot see it. The times that the curtain covers that brightness, I remind myself that this dark moment will eventually pass and move on choosing to enjoy the moments I’m in while I wait for the motivation, the purpose, the light to come back.
That was my Christmas. Living in the moments getting through until the light for our future , for life came back. That, along with family visiting, big troll fevers, baby troll with 2 ear infections, throat infection, and serious baby constipation. I often struggled to see much light but because of that endeavored to take what moments I had and be in them and enjoy them. To relax, to enjoy my coffee, to use the excuse that cuddles were needed instead of cleaning, to play princess, poly pocket, fishing and operation. To watch the dancing, sing the silly song, read the pony book over and over again. I battled the cloud until just this week, but still managed to enjoy life, to enjoy the moments, to enjoy my children, to be ok with where I was physically, emotionally and mentally as it was the holiday season and a time of rest. I thoroughly enjoyed the rest.
Lazy mornings, multiple pajama days in a row, no spending, no errands (excluding doctor and medicine runs), limited electronics making for more quality time spend together, worshiping and crafting. I enjoyed just being and am choosing right now to remember the those moments instead of the regrets of lack of patience, anger, pain, sad memories, loneliness, absent-ness. I choose to remember the rest and my children.
Even when the storm is raging God is there. When the rain pours down there will come an end, the clouds will empty and the sun will shine again. The light will not be hidden forever. So if you can’t dance, if you can’t sing in the rain, if you can’t splash in the puddles, it’s ok, at least keep standing knowing that it will end. Light still exists…it always will.
This little troll has had a rough month!