It’s 9:25pm. I am sitting in my bedroom, in my rocker, in the dark. I just successfully got K to sleep in his own bed by singing, while rocking a resistant T to sleep while crying. Yes me crying. Then after using my ninja skills to lay T in my bed I had to reprimand P for not turning her light out by 9. And now I sit here in the dark, alone.
I’m a woman. I’m slightly more emotional at times then probably necessary. Aren’t we all? I’m pretty sure that answer is yes.
Today I successfully (meaning I didn’t fail) clothed 4 little people and de-dragon breathed them all, and made 2 lunches. Fed them and got two to school on time (actually early as usual). I kept a 5th child alive, fed and happy during the day. I attempted two loads of laundry three times today and finally near the end of the day got them switched after being called back up stairs those three times. I sorted and folded four heaping loads of clean clothes and put three of those baskets away. I had supper crock-potted by 9:30am. I took 3 short things for a walk and then a bike ride. I cuddled a hurt child, applied multiple time outs and one scolding, I did dishes twice, I swept four times…yes four, but you would never know. I filled one bag of recyclables up, I tidied the back yard toys, and living room but you would never know that either. I picked 2 kids up from school and walked 5 kids across the street all while holding hands. I managed to read my Bible, do the kids devotional, read 3 bedtime stories, play trains, clean the bathroom, bathe 3 children, pajama 4 children, cook lunch, fill endless cups with milk, finished building a website, updated my computer, replied to three emails, multiple texts, made my bed, got myself dressed and unstinky, repacked the girls lunches for tomorrow and found a missing envelope for the food bank tomorrow (sometimes you have to do what you have to do and don’t be ashamed of it). After all that productiveness and very successful day I sit here and think how nice would it be to have a moment to myself.
Yes I have a moment to myself now, but a moment where I know that I don’t have to leave this computer and crawl into bed beside a child, where another is going to crawl in in a few hours, where another isn’t going to come kiss me in the middle of the night, where that first child is going to have to go pee twice and need a drink twice. How nice it would be to have just a few hours legit by myself. Not doing an errand with one kid, I mean by myself. To go do what I love by myself. I’m not even sure I remember what by myself is. (The only time in the last 3 years that I can remember that I didn’t do bedtime was a year ago when I was able to hire a babysitter to do bedtime.) To sit under the bridge and look at the water just me and God, not with four kids in the back smashing on the donuts to keep them quiet for that moment with God in my favorite place. Not even sharing my favorite place with them…just for a moment. How nice it would be to go thrifting all by myself. To not be concerned with what gross item my child is touching, or what person they are about to collide with or what toys I have to pick up after them. To just go and enjoy it for myself because it’s what I love and to do it alone. It seems like such an extravagant luxury, the thought of being alone.
I love being a mother. I understand life has taken turns in which I am a mom 24/7 365 and I understand that being their mom in this life that I am living in this house we are living in with these living arrangements, a moment alone is a luxury and beyond rare. But sometimes a momma needs a break. A true, guilt free, silent, child-less break. A chance to regroup, to enjoy myself and who I am. I am not a victim, this is not a pity party, I am simply a single full time mom of four. The number that always leaves at least one child at mommas side. Many parent’s are single parents, but I’ve yet to find too many that are also full time(as in doing it alone). I truly appreciate the days when my children’s Poppy would take all three of them over night, they would eat heaps of ice cream, watch endless tv, sit in cauldrons, play in dirt, go to every store being shown off and were perfectly safe and happy and I had a break. That time will come again for me.
I was once oblivious. I was once the one that figured a momma got in the situation she can live with it. I have learned that she can because she is superwoman, but even superwoman needs a break be it a full time one, or a co-parent one. Every single mom deserves a moment where she isn’t giving. A moment to just enjoy her own company and no one elses. Her job is the hardest on the planet, I can’t keep a plant alive, I’m unsure how four humans still are. She doesn’t just do nothing, she doesn’t sit around getting manicures and reading magazines and if she is doing it it’s because she deserves to. Mom-ing is give give give, it’s their calling, but they aren’t called to burn out. They aren’t called to do it alone.
My God knows my need and I trust Him to provide for my need of refreshing alone. He will provide I have no doubt about it so I will just thank Him for it.
This beauty turned 8 this week! We celebrated her with friends parties and family bbq and lego frenzy. I am thankful for those in her life who took the time to call her and show her how much she is loved on her birthday. She may be silent on the phone, but her little heart feels the love. Thankful.