Plain and simple, it’s not elegant, sophisticated, enlightening or freeing. It just sucks
The other sleepless night it hit me that I have been a single mom for three years now. Three of the toughest years of my life and I pray they remain the toughest and stay right there in the past.
Yet even though it’s been three years I still wade in this land of limbo. Not taken but not officially divorced, with my eyes peeled and on Jesus for my second chance.
If you are like me and hate conflict then the whole process can really make you feel a little crazy.
Such as receiving a summons to attend court in another country in like two weeks via phone… phone court? Craziest thing I ever did hear and stresses me out to the max.
Or just choosing to walk in love every step of the way that you can. We all fail. But at least trying and then getting back up when you fall and trying again. Like when you receive an unexpected mother’s day card and Starbucks gift card from your ex and his girlfriend. Co-parent win. As I purposefully chose to be thankful.
Or when you “unfollow” him on Facebook so you don’t have to fight the pain every day, yet as he “likes” your posts you can’t hide his profile pic of him and his girlfriend who now wears a ring on her finger.
And then there are all the “memories” that pop up. I refuse to go and delete every moment with him in it because we at one time were a happy cohesive team. It is not something I regret, it’s the story of my life. It’s my children’s story. But every once in a while on a day like today when it’s a little tougher than normal, when there are certain memories linked to this month, it makes me continue the healing process with tears. Tears you try to hide from your children as you go for a very long drive. Tears that when finished make the memory sting less.
It’s ok to cry. It’s part of the grieving process. Marriage is a loss. It’s ok to grieve. Healing doesn’t take time. It takes Jesus. He takes your hand with every memory and doesn’t let go as the wound re-opens and the tears begin to heal it properly. He is the healer, not time. You can live a whole life-time and not be healed, I’ve seen it and refuse to live it.
The tears come far and few now. The pain of the separation and hopefully soon coming official divorce is far less, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it sucks. It all just sucks.
God made man and wife as a team for a reason. We weren’t created to do life alone. He didn’t create us to marry and then divorce, but He did create us to live life completely of our own choice. Life sometimes leads us places we never wanted to go. But just because we didn’t want to go there and because God never wanted us to go there doesn’t mean He abandons ship when we get somewhere unexpected or not in His plan. He’s always there.
Plain and simple. God is still there.